Fat Jokes for Your Open Source Improvement

I wrote some jokes and a phoney news report about Rick Warren’s weight today. I think some of these are pretty good and could be used in a variety of ways…

“As of today I have lost 103 pounds…” and then make the jokes self-deprecating about how it was to be so fat and be in ministry.

Or if there was a fat person known to the audience I could make the jokes about them (which is why I picked Rick Warren.) The key would have to be they knew the person was fat. Doing stand up I can’t show a picture.

Here’s the fake news bit:

(AP, LaJolla, CA - Brent Asberger) Author and Evangelist Rick Warren had a health scare yesterday after collapsing during an HIV awareness event at the LaJolla Civic Center.

Warren, author of the best selling “Purpose Driven Life” and pastor of the 40,000 member Saddleback Community Church in Lake Forest, was in the middle of his presentation when he began choke and cough, dropping to his knees and hands. He then began to vomit, eventually coughing up a man.

As Warren recovered, the man, later identified as the prophet Jonah, claimed to have been swallowed three days earlier after going overboard during a Pacific cruise.

“I didn’t know where I was, I went overboard then the next thing I know I was swallowed whole. That was three days ago.”

At LaJolla Regional Hospital, a spokesman for Warren commented, “Rick is going to be fine, he is being kept overnight for observation. It appears he was swimming with a group from the church Saturday when he accidentally swallowed the prophet.”

Warren and Jonah are both expected to have no long-term ill effects.

Here are the follow up jokes:

Compared to Rick, I am an “After” model…

I don’t know Rick, don’t know if I like him or not, I know several pastors who know him and they like him. I just don’t want to be in the buffet line behind him.

I also want you to note, Kris, that I have not used bad language on this blog in a couple days, so you have to give me a break. I gotta make fun of somebody, and I’m immune from poking fun at my own flaws, Calvary Chapel is getting old and you’re too perfect to make fun of, so I am choosing a public figure.

…a really BIG public figure, if you get my drift. I mean almost nobody is as BIG a Pastor as he is. When Jesus said He wanted a BIG bride, Rick took him literally. I mean, they have a bus ministry just to get Rick to church. When he sits around the church he literally SITS AROUND THE CHURCH. When he backs up he makes a beeping sound. He’s just started a ministry for recovering anorexics. He’s gravitationally challenged. His next ministry opportunity will be to circle high over sporting events with lighted messages on his stomach. When the dead are raised to meet Jesus in the sky, God’s gonna have to use a crane.

He’s not just in favor of small groups, he is a small group. Saddleback is the only church I know that has a dessert break during the sermon. Most churches have coffee and doughnuts before church, Saddleback serves milkshakes and pizza. At the last staff retreat, Rick cannon balled into the pool and almost drowned the entire staff. They used to have Sony Jumbotrons so everyone could see the sermon, but now they had to upgrade to Sony Huge-a-Trons.

I don’t mean to be hard on Rick, but I’m just concerned for his health, and the health of his family. He could crush a small child. Or the village that is raising it.

The other day Rick was walking along the San Andreas fault and started an earthquake. His last suit came from California Tent and Awning—and they had to call out for more material. Last week he lost his TV remote—today he found beneath his boobs.

Rick tried to start a ministry to punk rockers and three were killed when he tried to surf the mosh pit. Have you heard about Rick’s new book? “The Lard Driven Life” he’s also collaborating on “Chicken Fries for the Soul.”

Rick went to the doctor the other day, his tests came back positive for Haagen Dazs. He went on a low calorie diet and created a beef shortage. He’s bankrupted 7 Chinese Buffets. He drives a low-rider, no matter what car he drives.

Saddleback’s latest marketing campaign is to fill him with helium and tie him to the roof. Some pastors keep a glass of water behind the pulpit, he has twinkies and a fryolator. For his last anniversary his wife got him cookie dough. He gets frequent flyer miles at Burger King.

At the Christmas celebration he had to lose weight to play Santa.

Look, all I’m saying is the guy could use some exercise beyond lifting smoked sausage. Rick, for the good of your health, get out. Take a walk. Eat a carrot. Lay off the French fried gummy bears.

Feel free to modify, reflect, strengthen and react below…