Great Metaphors

What are the best metaphors you have written/heard/read? I will steal them and use them. Feel free to share them in the comments below–if you know who they originated with, say so.

Here are some from Dennis Miller (mostly metaphors/similes):

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis’ nightstand.

I’m like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God’s way of letting you know that you’re having too good a time.

One man’s Voltaire is another man’s Screech.

The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board.

The radical right is so homophobic that they’re blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

You’ve got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

What’s so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It’s like a shock and aw shucks campaign.