Open Source Marriage Joke

OK, here’s another one…c’mon guys, let me know, good, bad or just plain wrong.

My wife and I just got back from a romantic weekend for our 25th anniversary.

She went to Knoxville and I went to Lexington.

Do you believe in miracles? (Open Source Joke)

I don’t know if you believe in miracles or not, but I have been to many churches and personally witnessed the dumb speak.

Your Mamma’s So Holy… (more open source jokes…)

Thanks to TotalTransformation for the idea.

(This is harder for me that I would have thought…here goes…)

Your mamma’s so holy…

…when she drinks a glass of water she leaks

…she pees holy water

…she turns wine into water

…Jesus goes to her for advice

…she farts breath mints

…she farts incense

…she thinks the missionary position is kinky sex

…she thinks the missionary position is a ministry opening in Africa

…she makes the Virgin Mary look like Brittany Spears

…she thinks nuns dress too provocatively

…she’s never seen herself naked

…she always speaks in King James English

God’s Baby’s Mamma Jokes

What do you think Jesus was like when he was a teenager?

Did Mary–or as I refer to her God’s Baby’s Mamma–tell him to clean his room and he was all like “Hey, don’t tell me what to do mom. First pull the plank from your own eye, then you will be able to see the speck in mine.”

But you know Mary could handle him: “You clean your room or I will take this plank out of my eye and beat your butt with it.”

“I’ll make your butt so red wise men will be showing up following the light.”

“I will ground you until the second coming.”

“I will ground you until hell freezes over.”

“Don’t make me get your father to come down here.”

Did she bust him when he came home drunk?

“What is that on your breath? Have you been out with your friends changing water into wine again?”

Did Jesus ever try to pick up chicks?

“Hi, um, well I know I’m not on the football team, but I am the savior of the world. Will you go to prom with me?”

Did Jesus heal his friends acne?

When Jesus was in high school did he get a job working the drive through at McDonald’s?

“Would you like ______ with that?”

(I need something to put in the blank, but I’m not sure what.)

No shirt, No Sandles, No Service.

Hooters Joke

I love Hooters hot wings. I’m addicted to them.

The only problem I have is all those girls running around in those uniforms. That’s just wrong.

So here’s what I do so I don’t have to see all those skimpy outfits while I eat. I call ahead, order my wings to go, then pick them up at Hooters.

Then I take them to the strip club.

Fat Jokes for Your Open Source Improvement

I wrote some jokes and a phoney news report about Rick Warren’s weight today. I think some of these are pretty good and could be used in a variety of ways…

“As of today I have lost 103 pounds…” and then make the jokes self-deprecating about how it was to be so fat and be in ministry.

Or if there was a fat person known to the audience I could make the jokes about them (which is why I picked Rick Warren.) The key would have to be they knew the person was fat. Doing stand up I can’t show a picture.

Here’s the fake news bit:

(AP, LaJolla, CA - Brent Asberger) Author and Evangelist Rick Warren had a health scare yesterday after collapsing during an HIV awareness event at the LaJolla Civic Center.

Warren, author of the best selling “Purpose Driven Life” and pastor of the 40,000 member Saddleback Community Church in Lake Forest, was in the middle of his presentation when he began choke and cough, dropping to his knees and hands. He then began to vomit, eventually coughing up a man.

As Warren recovered, the man, later identified as the prophet Jonah, claimed to have been swallowed three days earlier after going overboard during a Pacific cruise.

“I didn’t know where I was, I went overboard then the next thing I know I was swallowed whole. That was three days ago.”

At LaJolla Regional Hospital, a spokesman for Warren commented, “Rick is going to be fine, he is being kept overnight for observation. It appears he was swimming with a group from the church Saturday when he accidentally swallowed the prophet.”

Warren and Jonah are both expected to have no long-term ill effects.

Here are the follow up jokes:

Compared to Rick, I am an “After” model…

I don’t know Rick, don’t know if I like him or not, I know several pastors who know him and they like him. I just don’t want to be in the buffet line behind him.

I also want you to note, Kris, that I have not used bad language on this blog in a couple days, so you have to give me a break. I gotta make fun of somebody, and I’m immune from poking fun at my own flaws, Calvary Chapel is getting old and you’re too perfect to make fun of, so I am choosing a public figure.

…a really BIG public figure, if you get my drift. I mean almost nobody is as BIG a Pastor as he is. When Jesus said He wanted a BIG bride, Rick took him literally. I mean, they have a bus ministry just to get Rick to church. When he sits around the church he literally SITS AROUND THE CHURCH. When he backs up he makes a beeping sound. He’s just started a ministry for recovering anorexics. He’s gravitationally challenged. His next ministry opportunity will be to circle high over sporting events with lighted messages on his stomach. When the dead are raised to meet Jesus in the sky, God’s gonna have to use a crane.

He’s not just in favor of small groups, he is a small group. Saddleback is the only church I know that has a dessert break during the sermon. Most churches have coffee and doughnuts before church, Saddleback serves milkshakes and pizza. At the last staff retreat, Rick cannon balled into the pool and almost drowned the entire staff. They used to have Sony Jumbotrons so everyone could see the sermon, but now they had to upgrade to Sony Huge-a-Trons.

I don’t mean to be hard on Rick, but I’m just concerned for his health, and the health of his family. He could crush a small child. Or the village that is raising it.

The other day Rick was walking along the San Andreas fault and started an earthquake. His last suit came from California Tent and Awning—and they had to call out for more material. Last week he lost his TV remote—today he found beneath his boobs.

Rick tried to start a ministry to punk rockers and three were killed when he tried to surf the mosh pit. Have you heard about Rick’s new book? “The Lard Driven Life” he’s also collaborating on “Chicken Fries for the Soul.”

Rick went to the doctor the other day, his tests came back positive for Haagen Dazs. He went on a low calorie diet and created a beef shortage. He’s bankrupted 7 Chinese Buffets. He drives a low-rider, no matter what car he drives.

Saddleback’s latest marketing campaign is to fill him with helium and tie him to the roof. Some pastors keep a glass of water behind the pulpit, he has twinkies and a fryolator. For his last anniversary his wife got him cookie dough. He gets frequent flyer miles at Burger King.

At the Christmas celebration he had to lose weight to play Santa.

Look, all I’m saying is the guy could use some exercise beyond lifting smoked sausage. Rick, for the good of your health, get out. Take a walk. Eat a carrot. Lay off the French fried gummy bears.

Feel free to modify, reflect, strengthen and react below…